


The Texting Thesis

by sadzemnianwizard



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Genderfluid Mollymauk Tealeaf, Humor, M/M, Slow Burn, Technology, Texting, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25296418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadzemnianwizard/pseuds/sadzemnianwizard
Summary: A text to the wrong number puts Caleb and Molly on a path in the right direction.
Relationships: Mollymauk Tealeaf & Caleb Widogast, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 46
Kudos: 226





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Of Leaves and Stars](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6535114) by [irrationalmoony](https://archiveofourown.org/users/irrationalmoony/pseuds/irrationalmoony), [LadyAmina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyAmina/pseuds/LadyAmina). 



> Listen, when the motivation juice tells me to write, I write. No beta, so please let me know if there are any glaring errors!
> 
>  _Italics is Caleb,_ **bold is Molly!**

_NTB,_ _  
_ _Per your request, this is a notification that I have received my new phone. In the future, please write your numbers more legibly, as it was a struggle to understand, even with Comprehend Languages. Please do not share my number with anyone; I am not prepared for such chaos. As always, you may reply to this message._ _  
_ _Frumpkin_

**Where do I even start with this?**

_NTB,_ _  
_ _Excuse me? You may reply to this message._ _  
_ _Frumpkin_

 **Frumpkin,** **  
** **I’m afraid Comprehend Languages has done you dirty. You’ve got the wrong number, darling.** **  
** **MT**

 _MT,_ _  
_ _I apologize for wasting your time. Please disregard all prior messages. You may reply to this message._ _  
_ _Frumpkin_

**Okay, I have just got to ask. Is this your first phone? Like, ever?**

_MT,_  
_Yes, it is. Is that so apparent? You may reply to this message._ _  
_ Frumpkin

**Yep. You know you don’t have to address each text and sign your name, right?**

_I see. I will stop doing so now. Apologies again. You may reply to this message._

**No need to apologize. You also don’t need to say that I can reply… you can always reply no matter what.**

_Thank you for the advice. I had assumed that this was functionally the same as the Message spell. I am unaware of many such rules._

**I can tell, darling. No offense intended, you just text like it’s a thesis**

_That does not surprise me, as I should be working on mine right now._

**Oh??**

**What do you study?**

_I study many things. I am currently researching the history of dunamantic magic and its unspoken impact on other fields of study._

**Frumpkin, I’ll be honest - I think I only understood half of those words.**

**Speaking of which, what kind of a name is Frumpkin??**

_What kind of a name is MT?_

**Touché. MT are my initials**

_My roommate informed me that everyone on the internet used a sort of moniker or screen name when communicating. I chose the name of my cat, since I had no basis of comparison._

**Cuteee**

**Although I wouldn’t say this isn’t the internet, I understand the sentiment**

_I was under the impression that all electronic communication fell under the umbrella of the internet. Where does the distinction lie?_

**Oh, honey.**

**I don’t even know how to explain it.**

_I see. Perhaps that will be another area of research for me._

**What, a thesis called “The Difference Between Texting and the Internet”?**

_“Cultural Implications of the Distinction Between Internet-Based Communication and Instant Messaging”_

**I see**

**So you’re a nerd**

_I suppose that’s true. You’re hardly the first person to call me as such, anyways._

_Is this a standard piece of communication? Sharing information?_

**I certainly think so**

**Well, maybe not standard, but inevitable.**

**You learn about people when you talk, y’know.**

_That seems logical._

_I apologize if this is too forward, but what is something about you?_

**Oh, how provocative**

**Planning on keeping me around?**

_You are currently the only resource I have for learning about electronic communication, as well as the internet._

_How else am I to write this thesis?_

**Of course**

**I’m happy to oblige**

**Let’s see**

**I live with a performing group, since I have no blood family**

_Oh._

**Too much?**

**I roller skate**

_No, not at all. It was just unexpected. I also do not have any blood family._

_Do you skate for transportation or sport or fun?_

**Wow, really?? Can I ask what happened to them? You can tell me to fuck off if it’s too much and I’ll drop it, no worries.**

**And it’s mostly fun, but it works to get me places.**

_I would rather not discuss it now._

_I do not think I could roller skate. I think I would fall, and I am a rather squishy man._

**Subject dropped.**

**You might be better at it than you think, Squishy**

_… why is this my name now?_

**Well I can’t keep calling you Frumpkin**

**That’s your cat**

_Caleb._

_My name is Caleb._

**Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Caleb**

**My name is Mollymauk**

**Molly to my friends**

_It is very nice to meet you, Mollymauk._

_I cannot recall the word in Common, but how do you like to be called?_

**Pronouns?**

_Pronouns, yes._

**Yes, please!**

**He/him for now**

**That will probably change**

**Yours?**

_He/him._

_Will you tell me when they change?_

**If you want**

_I would like that._

_I have class soon, so I fear I may have to leave._

**I have rehearsal, so well timed!**

**I’d like to keep talking with you, Caleb.**

**If that’s okay with you**

_Ja, Mollymauk. I would like that very much._

**I’ll be here.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you enjoyed this - I'm on the bubble about continuing.
> 
> You can also find me on Tumblr at @sadzemnianwizard.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some things just want to be written. This fic seems to be one of them.
> 
>  _Italics is Caleb,_ **bold is Molly!**

**Good morning, Mister Caleb.**

**I’m not sure what time you wake up, but I’m here when you do.**

_Good morning, Mollymauk. Barely morning, anyways._

_How are you?_

**It is disgustingly early. I’d go back to sleep if I could.**

_It is almost noon. Well, at least for me._

_I am unsure of what timezone you are in._

**Oh no, it’s almost noon for me too**

**I’m just tired**

_Are you not a morning person?_

**I mean, technically…**

**Performances can end past midnight, so it’s not common for me to get back home when the sun is rising.**

**Does that make me a morning person?**

_No, not at all._

_Only that you have a very unusual sleeping schedule._

_Although I suppose I am hardly one to talk._

**Ah, the student life doing you dirty?**

_You have used that phrase before. What does it mean, to do something dirty?_

**Well, there are multiple places that can come in handy ;)**

**But here, it means that it’s harmful to your wellbeing, in any sense**

_I assume the other meaning is that of a sexual connotation?_

**Quite right, darling**

**You’ll find I am practically made of innuendos ;)))**

**Unless, of course, you are uncomfortable. If I ever make you uncomfortable, please tell me to stop. I know my personality can be a lot, and I don’t mind toning it down.**

_Mollymauk, I would never ask you to change yourself on my behalf._

**How sweet of you**

**The offer stands regardless**

**But you didn’t answer my question**

**Student life? Doing you dirty???**

_I appreciate the offer nonetheless._

_Yes, I suppose it would be true to say that the student life is “doing me dirty”._

_My students are being… rather difficult. That, combined with the fact that I already have several jobs on top of teaching, and being a student as well - it makes for a unstable sleeping schedule at the best of times._

**Gods, Caleb. How do you keep up with all of that??**

_It can be a struggle. I have to be very particular about my habits and schedule._

_But ultimately, it is a rewarding experience._

**Will you tell me about it?**

_What aspect are you interested in?_

**What makes it rewarding, I guess**

**I don’t know if I’d be able to understand enough if you started talking about your research**

**But I’ve never been able to understand why people choose that amount of work**

_Well, there’s no single answer, but I can provide an answer to each part._

_I chose to pursue my higher education simply because I am fascinated by my area of research. I find great fulfillment in understanding such things, even if there is no application (as is the case for several areas of my research)._

_My other jobs help pay for my education._

_However, teaching started as a joke._

**Excuse me???**

**Like, I understand the sense of fulfillment. I get some of that too from performing**

**But you started TEACHING… as a JOKE??**

_I never thought I would become a teacher. I was content to hide in the library all day, buried in books. One of my friends needed assistance, so I agreed to tutor her, which spiraled into me teaching most of her class. We joked I might as well be teaching the class, since the teacher was practically useless._

_Once the school got wind of it, and the success rates of my students, they offered me a position teaching one of the base-level transmutation courses._

**So you just..????**

_The pay was decent enough. I figured why not._

**So the reward is money**

**I get that, but I don’t know, it wasn’t what I thought you meant**

_Not at all. It’s actually quite bad pay, but it’s better than working in the school’s dining services. It’s barely enough to get me a coffee each morning._

_Which I know I’m lucky to be able to have now, but I digress._

_The true reward is seeing students coming to understand that they have a passion for these studies. I often see classes sucking the soul from students, who come to the natural conclusion that academics are not for them. Academia can be toxic at the best of times, and it is too often that students experience the worst of it. To see my students flourish, to see them realize that this research can be something that they enjoy, to see them pursue it willingly? There is no greater reward._

_I apologize for such a long message._

**No, no, no, absolutely not**

**You are not allowed to apologize for that**

**That’s absolutely amazing. I really wish I’d had someone like you when I was at college**

_If I may, are you also a student?_

**I was. Nothing like what you do - I was in theatre and the performing arts**

**I dropped out after my first year because I couldn’t stand the way my professors were treating performance.**

**They just slapped numbers on it like it was some dead thing. Performance is supposed to be an art. A living, breathing thing. They were strangling it.**

_It sounds to me like you have a passion of your own, Mollymauk._

**Yep. For as long as I can remember**

_What do you find fulfilling in it?_

**It’s… hard to put into words**

_I understand. There is no obligation to explain to me._

**No, I want to**

**Because this is what makes me ME**

**Performing is like being able to breathe for the first time. It’s like there is music in my veins, like my insides are full of colors that just want to be free. And when I am able to sing or dance or act or paint, just CREATE, it’s like everything just falls away and I can exist as myself, which is everything and nothing, all at the same time. And when that lets you FEEL, and allows the people around you to feel something, it’s like all the chaos in the world suddenly has a reason to be like that, because there’s something beautiful in all that chaos.**

_That is…_

_I am at a loss for words, Mollymauk. That is beautiful. Truly so._

**A nerd like you?? Speechless???**

_Ha. A rare occurrence indeed._

_And since I am such a nerd, it is time for me to go to class._

**Later, nerd.**

  
  


_Class has finished._

**How did it go? Teaching or learning?**

_The two are not mutually exclusive, but today I did not lead the lecture._

_It was a good lecture. This professor is one of my favorites, as he is both a brilliant researcher and a good man._

**Caleb, you will never cease to fascinate me.**

_I struggle to understand how someone like you could find someone like me interesting._

**What do you mean?**

_You are colors and music, beauty and laughter. I am plain and quiet, and bring no joy to anyone._

**Now, Mister Caleb**

**I already know that’s not true**

_But it is true._

**It’s not**

**You bring me joy**

**Every time you text, I always smile because I’m excited to hear from you**

_I… okay._

**Better than okay.**

**You are valued, even if you don’t see it yourself**

**By me, my your students, by your professors, and by NTB**

**Who I do have some questions about, by the way**

_Ah, that may be a story for another time._

_Tell me about your day?_

**It was a good day. Quieter than usual**

**Thursdays are our off days before the weekend rush**

**So no rehearsal**

**I did get a bit of painting done**

_Oh?_

**Yes!! My tarot deck is a constant work in progress**

**I laid down the watercolor base for a couple cards. Once they dry, I’ll go over them with gouache, then with a fineliner**

_That sounds like quite the process. And frankly, I don’t understand most of it._

_But it seems to bring you joy, and I don’t mind listening to you speak about it. I would hardly want to quiet your passion._

**Caleb**

_Ja?_

**That is the sweetest thing I’ve heard all day**

**Thank you**

_Pronouns?_

**They/them please**

_Thank YOU, Mx. Mollymauk._

**There’s nothing to thank me for, darling**

_Oh._

**Something wrong?**

_You called me “darling”._

**Does that bother you?**

**I’ll stop if it does, just tell me**

_No, it doesn’t bother me._

_I am just unused to such phrases of affection._

**Can I ask you a question?**

_I cannot promise to answer, but you may certainly ask._

**Are you in a relationship?**

_No, I am not._

_I can almost feel you asking, “Why?”_

_It’s because there are things about myself that I do not think I am ready to share, and I don’t think that is fair to the other person. Even if I did share, I do not think anyone would stay with me._

**I’m sorry**

_There is nothing to apologize for._

**Well, I’m sorry if I brought up bad feelings**

_There are no bad feelings to be had. These are a matter of fact._

_I am not a good person._

**You said something similar earlier, and I have to disagree again**

**I may not have known you for long, but I don’t think you’re a bad person**

**You’re a nerd, you throw yourself into your studies, and you find so much happiness in helping the students you teach**

_I’m sorry, Mx. Mollymauk._

_Truly, I am._

**Please don’t apologize, Caleb**

  
  


**Caleb?**

  
  
  


**?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought you could get by without at least a touch of angst? _n o p e_
> 
> Find me on Tumblr at @sadzemnianwizard - come chat with me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Ahem._ Sorry for doing y'all dirty with that angst ending!!
> 
> Thanks to [AnaliseGrey](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnaliseGrey) for checking the QPP conversation. <3

**Okay, listen.**

**I can’t tell you how you should feel, especially about yourself. I don’t know your past and I’m not a therapist. But when I’m talking with you, it makes me happy. I really, genuinely enjoy talking with the Caleb I know, even if it’s only been a couple days, and I want to keep talking with him. You’re a good person to me.**

**If one day you find yourself comfortable with sharing pieces of your story with me, I’m happy to listen and to be here. Just… please don’t go about this having decided what I’m going to think about it. I’ll make that decision for myself, if it comes around.**

**I want to be your friend, Caleb. And that’s a decision you can’t make for me.**

_ Okay. _

_ I do not presume to tell you what you can or should feel about me, Mollymauk. What I do know is that few people continue to associate themselves with me afterwards. _

**Well, we can have that conversation when it needs to be had.**

**For now, good morning, Mister Caleb! Are you a coffee or tea person?**

_ Thank you. _

_ Tea. But I will drink espresso if I need to work for extended periods. _

**Wait**

**WAIT**

**Like, you**

**STRAIGHT??**

**No cream or sugar or ANYTHING????**

**And what makes for “extended periods”??????????**

_ I will have you know that I have never been referred to as straight in any capacity. _

_ But yes, I do drink espresso without cream or sugar. I find I am limited to nine shots of espresso at once.  _

_ An extended period would be anytime I am awake for more than one consecutive days. _

**You’re going to have to give me a moment**

_ Very well.  _

  
  


**I am**

**TRULY BAFFLED**

_ Well, this morning, there is no need for such measures. I am currently deciding what tea to have. _

**Oh, what are your options?**

_ Earl grey, breakfast, green, peppermint, chamomile. _

**Somehow I expected a nerd like you to have more teas**

_ Well, those are all the ones I keep in my house. _

_ One of my friends makes his own tea blends and shares them with me; however, I usually visit the cafe where he works to drink those.  _

**That’s so cute**

**I absolutely love cafes, they’ve got such an aesthetic about them**

**You should have earl grey**

_ Okay. I’ll put the kettle on. _

**Wait, you’re actually doing it???**

_ Of course.  _

_ Why would I not? _

**Because I’m basically a stranger and have no control over you??**

_ You are my friend, Mollymauk, or so you wish to be. I value the opinions of my friends. _

**Oh**

**Well**

**Thank you**

_ There is nothing to thank me for.  _

_ What do you have scheduled for today? _

**It’s Friday!!!!**

**So I have a day of run-throughs, tech stuff, and prep before tonight’s performance**

_ You say “tech stuff” as though I know what that refers to. _

**Well, for me it’s mostly standing around and looking pretty while other people check the mics and lights**

**But my q**

**My partner? Best friend??**

**She helps with the sets and putting the lights in place**

_ Forgive me, as I don’t know the vocabulary for such things, but what do you do in your performances? _

**Oh, my act?**

**It depends on the night, I suppose**

**Sometimes I sing, sometimes I dance, sometimes I do tarot readings**

**Occasionally I make drinks or serve them**

_ And what will you be doing tonight? _

**Oh, I’ll be doing tarot readings before the show, then I’ll be singing**

_ It sounds like you will be having a busy day and night. _

_ I’ll leave you to your work. _

**Please don’t, Mister Caleb**

**I rather enjoy talking to you, and I won’t be particularly busy for a while**

**Unless you have to go**

_ Nein, Mollymauk, not for a while. _

_ I rather enjoy talking to you as well. _

**What will you be doing today?**

_ I have work, followed by both attending and leading lectures. _

**Oh yeah, you mentioned work before**

**Where do you work?**

_ I work at my university’s library.  _

_ It is not exciting work - checking books in and out, reshelving, helping people find books - but it often allows me to do homework while on the clock, so I do not mind. _

**N E R D**

_ What can I say? I like books. _

**Can I ask you a question?**

_ Of course, Mollymauk. _

_ You need not ask. _

**Well, I probably always will**

**Sometimes I worry that I might be too much**

**I’m just not willing to do that thing where I tone myself down when I first meet people because I feel like I’m making them think that I’m something that I’m not**

**And I always ALWAYS want to be me**

_ I don’t think you’re too much.  _

_ And, if my opinion matters whatsoever, I would rather have you for you instead of anyone else.  _

**Thank you**

**Oh, but the question**

_ Of course. _

**I don’t know exactly how to ask this**

**How do you… like reading so much?**

**Like, I can’t sit still long enough to actually get into it**

_ That is a difficult question to answer. _

_ I suppose the best way to say it is that the pursuit of knowledge gives me a purpose. I have always been able to both lose myself and find myself in books.  _

**I really like that**

_ I do too.  _

_ But for now, I must say goodbye, as I am about to clock in at the library. You may continue to text me if you like, but I may not be able to respond as consistently. _

**I’ll keep that in mind, Mister Caleb**

**Bye!!**

  
  
  


**I hope things are going well for you**

  
  


**Things are kind of crazy here, but it’s the good kind**

**It’s the chaos that makes me happy**

  
  
  


_ Can I ask you for a favor? _

**Sure**

_ Can you tell me something happy? Just something that made you smile. _

**Oh**

**Yes**

**Of course**

**My partner/best friend gave me a bouquet of wildflowers this morning. I have no idea where she got them, we’re in the middle of the damn city, but it was absolutely massive and the flowers are gorgeous**

**I ended up making flower crowns while I waited for rehearsal to start. We had enough flowers to make it through most of the cast and crew**

**Everyone just looked so nice with the flower crowns**

**I mean they look really nice anyways, but I think there’s something just so sweet about flower crowns**

_ Thank you. _

**If you don’t mind me asking, is something wrong?**

_ Would you mind giving me a moment? _

**Do what you need to do, I’ll be here**

_ Thank you. _

  
  
  


_ I have returned. _

**Hi, Mister Caleb!**

_ Your pronouns? _

**Also, I just wanted to say that there’s no pressure to talk to me or anything, it’s just that things are better when you have someone to talk to and I don’t know exactly what your situation is like but if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m always here.**

**He/him feels okay for now**

_ Thank you, Mr. Mollymauk. _

**You thank me too much**

_ I disagree. _

_ You helped pull me out of a spiral. Usually only NTB is able to do so, with varying levels of success.  _

_ And Frumpkin, of course. _

**I’m just glad I was able to help**

**Is it okay for me to ask about NTB now?**

_ Yes, go ahead. _

**Who are they to you?**

**I don’t mind if you don’t say their name if they’re uncomfortable with it or anything**

**What pronouns do they use?**

**How bad is their handwriting really, to where Comprehend Languages can’t help you?**

_ Ah, her name is Veth. NTB is a nickname she has used for many years; I use both alternately. _

_ It is difficult to find a precise word for our relationship. She is a close friend of mine - I would call her my sister without hesitation - but we have also been each other’s caretakers. We met under less than pleasant circumstances, but we made the best of it. She and I have known the other’s lowest of times, and we have seen each other through it. _

_ She attended the same university as me for a period of time, but it was not right for her. Her husband and son are more important than her higher education, and she has learned enough in her experience to find sufficient work to support them.  _

_ Her handwriting is atrocious. There’s a reason she primarily communicates with keyboards. Communicating with her is the primary reason I got a phone in the first place. _

**That**

**Is**

**So**

**Good**

**I’m so glad you have someone like that in your life. She sounds absolutely fantastic.**

_ And you, Mollymauk?  _

_ I can’t imagine someone like you is lacking in friends, but I wouldn’t mind hearing about them. You’ve mentioned one that works with you and one that brought you wildflowers? _

**Oh, that’s the same person!!**

**She doesn’t like me to share her name, since she needs to stay on the down-low a lot of the times**

**But actually, this brings up an interesting conversation point**

**Have you heard of relationship anarchy?**

_ Conceptually, yes, although I have not done extensive research on the matter. _

**Well, that’s better than most people!**

**She’s my queer platonic partner, or qpp**

**I just don’t know what you do and don’t know so I don’t want to.. overstep? You seem like the type of person who doesn’t like things having reexplained**

_ I understand the words themselves, but I’d like to know what that means to you. _

_ To be upfront, I have not met anyone with a queer platonic partner. _

**Oh! She’s my best friend and more. We can understand each other without words (which can be nice because she’s kind of quiet). I can’t imagine my life without her. I mean, I’d marry her if it would keep her safe.**

**We live together and cook for each other. She knows me better than anyone else. It already feels kind of like we’re married. There’s so much love, it’s just that it’s platonic rather than romantic, you know?**

**Of course, each relationship is unique to the people in it, so that’s what it is for us, but it might not be exactly what it’s like for another queer platonic relationship**

_ That sounds lovely. She sounds like a wonderful person.  _

**She is**

**And speaking of which, the doors open soon, so both of us have work**

**I probably won’t be able to text again tonight, since I’ll be pretty busy**

**So just in case, goodnight, Mister Caleb!!!**

_ Goodnight, Mollymauk.  _

_ Good luck. _

  
  


_ <3 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"Scheisse!_ Veth, how do I- _ah,_ how do I unsend a message?"
> 
> Come chat with me on Tumblr at [sadzemnianwizard!](https://sadzemnianwizard.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

Hi friends:

Apologies that this isn’t the update that any of us want. Unfortunately, my laptop has decided to no longer function, and of the few files I was able to pull off the hard drive before it completely shut down, my fics were not among them. I’ve lost a fair number of chapters for both this fic and my other current ongoing fic, Toll the Bread, not to mention a variety of WIPs. To be clear, **this story is not done.** I will be continuing it as soon as I can, but it will take some time to rewrite what was lost, especially without a proper keyboard.

As always, you can come chat with me on Tumblr at @sadzemnianwizard. 

Thank you all for your patience, and again, I’m sorry. 

\- Atlas


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day two (or is it three?) of having my laptop back. Time is a concept that escapes me entirely, but I'm _so happy_ to be writing again. Thank you for your support and patience. <3

**Goodnight, Mister Caleb.**

_ Goodnight. _

**Wait**

**It’s like 4am**

**Why are you not asleep??**

_ My brain is, how you say, “doing me dirty”.  _

**Ah, bad brain days**

**I can certainly understand that, I have them too**

_ I suppose I could ask you why you are awake at this time as well. _

**Well, I just got off work**

**Plus performing always leaves me on a bit of a high.**

**Can I ask you something?**

_ Of course you may, Mollymauk. _

**Don’t think I don’t see that subtle grammatical correction**

**That heart**

**You sent that heart**

**What did you mean by it?**

_ Ah, yes. My newest technological discovery.  _

_ Veth tells me that it means “best wishes”.  _

**Mhmm**

_ Is there another meaning that I’m not aware of? _

**Nope**

**Not at all**

**Everyone knows**

**Best wishes**

_ Excellent. Another section for the thesis, then. _

**Were you serious about that?**

_ Of course. Did you think I was not? _

_ Well, right now it’s more of a presentation than a thesis. I find it’s quite easy to arrange my thoughts and speaking points using slides as an organizational system rather than paragraphs. _

**Oh my gods**

**You were serious**

**You’ll have to show me when it’s finished**

_ I think it will be a while before it is in any presentable state, but I will let you know when it is. _

**Will you be okay if I head off to sleep?**

_ Of course, Mollymauk. Nights like these are fairly common for me. _

**Mm, but that wasn’t the question and I’ll debate the meaning of “okay” with you later**

**Do you want me to stay up with you?**

_ Nein. Go to sleep; don’t worry about me.  _

**I mean, I’m going to worry about you regardless**

_ You shouldn’t. _

_ I’m not worth it. _

**But you are, Mister Caleb**

**You know (or I hope you do) how much I appreciate you as a human**

_ I don’t know that I deserve to be counted as “human” _

**I mean, I was mostly saying that as a figure of speech**

**Most people don’t count me as human**

**But that doesn’t make me a bad person**

**Can I tell you a secret?**

_ Of course, Mollymauk. _

**I really like you.**

**You matter a lot to me.**

**I may not know what you’ve done in your past, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve made me so happy in these last couple days.**

**I mean, you could ask my qpp, she’s heard so much about you because you make me smile more than I usually do**

  
  
  


**Mister Caleb?**

_ I _

_ I need a moment. _

**Of course. Take as much time as you need.**

  
  
  


_ Thank you, Mollymauk.  _

**Of course, Mister Caleb.**

**Do you want to talk about it?**

**There’s no pressure or anything, but sometimes it helps to get it out there**

_ Perhaps.  _

_ I do feel badly for keeping you awake after your performance. _

**Darling, I’m running on a performance high. I’m not sure I could sleep now if I wanted to**

_ Even still.  _

**Would it make you feel better if I told you that I have nothing else to do for the weekend, so I can sleep pretty much nonstop for the next couple days?**

_ Hmm. _

_ And you’re in a headspace to where you might be able to discuss anxiety and depression? Nothing graphic, just the day-to-day of it. _

**Yes, and thank you for asking**

_ Always. _

_ Ahem. I suppose there is no easy transition into this. _

_ You said to me earlier that sometimes, you feel like you are too much. Well I, I do not feel like I am enough. There are so many expectations that come with being a professor and student and researcher and worker, and I can meet none of them. I am not enough, and I do not deserve the trust and respect that has been given to me. I cannot understand how anyone believes me to be the right person for any of these positions. _

_ And this fact keeps me up at night. _

**Okay.**

**Okay. Are you in a “let’s discuss this” headspace or a “I just needed to vent” headspace?**

_ I, ah, I think it started as a - how do you say, a vent? But now, I think I would like to talk about it. _

**Okay so here’s the thing**

**First of all, it sounds to me like you are taking your feelings and accepting them as facts. Sometimes, that’s okay, but more often than not, it’s your brain doing you dirty. Your brain is just taking in things and twisting them all around until they come out unrecognizable. That’s just what it does - everyone’s brain does that a little bit, but ours do it a LOT. And it’s not your fault. Your heartbeat isn’t your fault, and your heart doesn’t know to do anything different! It’s just doing what it does. Your brain is the same way - it’s just trying to do its job, but there’s some crossed wires in there - and you should recognize that.**

**Second of all, let’s say that the hater in your brain is right. (Which it’s not, for the record.) Let’s just say that maybe you don’t have the skills for the things that you’re doing. What you DO have is passion. I can tell just by the way that you talk about your research, by the way you describe reading, that you’re so so SO passionate about it. And that passion gives you a drive to do great things - which you could only do IF you had the passion for it. Finding someone who truly loves the work is often more important than finding someone who has the “right” skills for it. And in your case, I think you’re lucky enough to have both the skills and the passion for it, making you the MOST IDEAL PERSON for it.**

_ I’m going to need another moment. _

**Take your time. I’ll be here.**

  
  


_ Okay. _

**You don’t have to answer this, but what are you doing in that moment?**

_ Thinking. _

_ Or well, trying to. _

_ For a very long time, I have trusted my brain above everything else. To understand it might not be trustworthy is a difficult thing.  _

**It is. It’s not an overnight process.**

**Even though this conversation has been overnight**

**But you’ll get there. The first step is recognizing the problem**

_ Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a therapist? _

**Yes, actually - mostly because I’m just telling you what my therapist tells me**

**Although for a while, I did want to be a therapist**

_ A childhood dream? _

**Not exactly… childhood**

**But an old dream**

**I wanted to help people**

**I still do**

**It’s just that there’s a lot of things that make it really hard to get licensed and all that**

_ Of course. I can certainly speak to the difficulty of academia. _

_ Although, may I say something? _

**Always, Caleb.**

_ I do not think you need to be a therapist to help people. You are happy where you are. You are truly a light to those around you, myself included. You are such a joy to speak with, even over phone. You already help people as you are.  _

_ I may not speak as eloquently as you do, and I do not have a therapist whose words I can use, but I believe it to be true. You are already helping people. You are already helping me.  _

**Have you ever thought about it?**

_ Thought about what? _

**Getting a therapist**

_ Ja. Often. Although I have had very bad experiences with them in the past, and I am afraid of history repeating itself. _

_ I would rather not discuss that now.  _

**That’s okay. Different question.**

**Did you always dream of becoming a nerd - I mean, professor/researcher/student**

**You get what I mean**

_ Ja, I do get what you mean. _

_ Hm. I don’t know that I was ever in possession of such a vocabulary to describe it, but I think I always knew I would be a lifelong learner.  _

**Huh**

**I knew that people existed who had always wanted to be the same thing, but I never really got it**

**Like, there’s nothing wrong with it, I actually think it’s super cool, it’s just that for me, I’ve never been able to understand it I guess???**

_ I have never been able to imagine anything different. _

_ Although I am afraid I may have to leave you, if only temporarily. My shift at the library is starting soon. _

**Will you be okay? You haven’t slept**

_ I know. I will be okay, Mollymauk. It is not the first time this has happened, nor do I expect it to be the last. I will simply be drinking more coffee than usual.  _

_ You, on the other hand, should go to sleep. _

**Well, I won’t argue too much. I do need my beauty sleep.**

_ Good morning and goodnight, Mollymauk. Thank you again. _

**Good morning and goodnight, Caleb.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Well, I won’t argue too much. I do need my beauty sleep.**   
>  _  
>  ~~You're already beautiful.~~   
>  _   
>  _  
>  ~~As if you need any more of that.~~   
>  _   
>  _  
>  ~~How do I know that you're already beautiful without seeing your face?~~   
>  _   
>  __  
>  ~~_The only magic I want to study is how you've charmed me, Mollymauk._ ~~   
> 


End file.
